Principal's Blog
2019 Term 1
Goodness
My primary aspiration for all of the children who I work with is that they are good people.
From time to time a child will suggest that I make another child do or say something to make amends for some perceived transgression. These requests are usually prompted by annoyance or frustration; the designated child has mucked something up or been a nuisance. These are moments when I note a certain powerlessness, and become aware of the importance of taking the right approach, because of a plain fact: it is simply not possible to make someone ‘good’.
My approach to goodness falls within this understanding. In striving to promote goodness, children need to be given the space to discover how to be good. My observation is that it is the internal experience that accompanies good acts that is the most important motivator for future goodness: a private sense of respect for oneself. This is an experience that cannot be known theoretically, it must be lived. We gain a humble sense of pride in acting well: pride in the knowledge that we did the right thing; humble in the knowledge that we could so easily have failed to do so. We know ourselves as good through being good. We feel good about ourselves, and we gain the appreciation of others.
A child’s request that I make another child ‘be good’ is unrealistic – it is simply impossible to force someone to be good. This is not to say that an expectation of acting with goodness is something we shouldn’t require of our children. But the main experience of the child needs to be that of being wanted; and the space and freedom to exhibit goodness. Children grow in goodness as they experience the effects of their own acts of goodness.
We sometimes take on so-called ‘difficult’ children (you may have noticed; you may even have provided us with one yourself!) and this is where the challenge is greatest. Some children pose a particular challenge with respect to their lack of consideration for others. When we feel annoyed or disrespected in this way, we tend to pull back from these children, or may even point out their failings through a reactive serve. While these responses are understandable, and sometimes a bit of this is needed, the overall success of turning a child around requires them to feel connected and included – to be part of the tribe. It is this experience of connection and of having a place that then leads them to decide to modify their own behaviour (and to find the motivation to put the requisite practice in). Their experience of social success and the fun and joy of social inclusion motivate them to be better, to do better, to be less annoying, to be more considerate. A culture of tolerance that we foster at FCS is important for this, and requires of us to let quite a few things go. We need to be tolerant of the annoying. It is easy to include those who demonstrate kindness and act respectfully. ‘Inclusion’ only means something when it does not come naturally.
Children that struggle in this way are usually anxious – they know deep down that they are being antisocial, and giving others grief. It is here that the manner in which we set clear (and enforced) boundaries comes to the fore. The appropriate discipline and boundaries are forms of care for a child. The uninitiated sometimes see discipline as mean or harsh or lacking compassion – a misunderstanding. These children are first and foremost insecure – their lack of clear parental responses to their antisocial behaviour has left them lost as to how to behave. They have missed an important lesson. These children feel this, although they are not generally able to voice this. They feel less wanted which compounds their anxiety. Many children who are often antisocial also have an angry edge. I see this as being angry with the world. One way of understanding this behaviour is that it represents a desperate need for certain kinds of responses – responses that include a clear limit on their behaviour. Children that struggle with antisocial behaviour at our school have the experience of encountering clear limits on inappropriate behaviour, an experience that allows them after a time to relax into the knowledge that they do not hold ultimate responsibility for things yet, but that the adults do. Ironically, this sense of safety is often initially experienced as ‘getting into trouble’. The path to goodness for children is premised upon their knowledge that they can and will be called to account for their transgressions. The practices of both warm and open love, and firm and corrective love, are the social necessities of raising a good child.
An aspect of our school practices that continues to aid our emergence of goodness (and in turning ‘difficult’ children around) is our lack of silly rules. Most school rules invite children to conclude that their teachers are stupid and annoying – no teacher wins a child’s heart or mind when giving them a detention for their socks being down, or for skipping or playing downball, or for holding hands with a friend. We avoid distancing the children by not employing such rules in our school. Many schools’ codes of conduct only achieve an alienated student-body, and lead to a situation where the children most in need are simply always in trouble. The ‘naughty’ child feels that the adults are always on their case. At FCS, our acceptance of a much broader range of actions and forms of play gives us a huge head start in the endeavour of building connections. In this context, being called to task gets noticed, and comes with a far greater chance of actually having an impact.
Our ability to give the children a cuddle is also important, as it is a clear demonstration of acceptance. Many children need physical touch to feel connected. When we push a child who seeks a cuddle away, we build a social distance that makes the task of learning to be good harder. A child who feels rejected and disconnected is not a child on the path to goodness.
Our school culture is built upon an expectation of help and kindness. This is another cornerstone in our school’s practice of raising good children. The younger children frequently see the older children demonstrating care and kindness: goodness. My mother is big on habits, as she sees habits as the key tool in forming who we are, and who we want to be. Put differently, the adoption of certain habits, for example lending a helping hand, leads to us becoming helpful people. Goodness is the primary expectation, and so the daily habit, of our school.
Timothy Berryman (Principal)